Buyer Beware

I was out walking around the other day and found myself smack dab in the center of New York City’s Buyer Trap. See, the thing about New York City, is that it doesn’t have any malls. Well, there are some in Long Island, but no one goes to Long Island unless he/she lives there (no offense Long Islanders, but you know it’s true). So, where are all the stores? That’s a good question my friends. The stores are everywhere!

We, New Yorkers, we like to walk a lot. Walking is good for the soul (so I hear). And while we’re out walking, what do we see – stores! Stores, stores, and more stores! We spy something new and shiny in the window and say, “Oh, that’s nice. I like that. Maybe I should take a little look; just to see how it looks up close; I might not even like it then.” Oh yeah, go ahead and lie to yourself. And once we see it up close, it’s love at first sight, and we absolutely must have it (shakes head). We say to ourselves, “Oh, the price is not that bad.” This is the New York City Buyer’s Trap - you didn’t even intend to buy anything when you so naively headed out onto the big, mean city streets. But once you pass all those stores flashing those “Sale” signs, you are automatically transformed into a buyer.



It’s okay, you’re not alone. I know you head home with your new purchase; one half of you wanting to kick yourself for succumbing, the other half wanting to give yourself a high five. I too know this feeling.

Unfortunately friends, there isn’t much you can do to avoid being bamboozled by this city. Even if you know the truth, you’re still liable to fall victim to slashed prices. All you can do is tell yourself that in this recession, you have done your job to help stimulate the economy. Now go ahead - pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Bah Humbug

So the holidays are coming. Is anyone else feeling a little bah humbug? Generally, I like Thanksgiving – good food, and if you get drunk enough, you even enjoy being around the family (you know, if you do that sought of thing).

It’s Christmas that’s got my stockings in a bunch. Right after Thanksgiving, everyone starts talking about Christmas. You have to start thinking about what you want, and try to figure out what other people want. Ugh! And then you have to deal with the lines… again, I say… Ugh!

I just want to kick back and rub that full, round tummy of mine, filled with yummy stuffing and wine, and more wine, and just enjoy the moment. Really people - is that too much to ask for?

I never saw that movie where the Grinch steals Christmas, but I feel like finding the little green guy, giving him a high five for the effort, and helping him devise a new, ingenious plan to steal Christmas this year. Maw ha, ha, ha, ha! Alright… maybe I won’t, but don’t hold me to that.

And if your Christmas lights start disappearing off your front porch… well then… um… he did it!

Who Needs The Sun

Howdy! Did you miss me? Aw shucks, don’t you know how to make a girl feel special?

Okay, so here’s the thing – my goal is to write at least three posts a week. Things, however, come up; life gets crazy; and therefore, three posts a week may not always be possible. If I write at least two posts, then it’s been a “pat on the back” week. If I actually make it to three posts, well then I get a gold star. Just between you and me… I’m aiming for a “gold star” week (haven’t gotten one of those in a while). Any who, on to my post:

Last week, my mom came back from a Caribbean cruise. This week, my sister is vacationing in Hawaii. And where am I? I’m stuck in New York City with a windshield factor that makes it feel like it’s below twenty degrees! I ask you, “How is this fair?”



“Well Kas, why don’t you just go on a vacation?” Simple – because I’m poor. Okay, no. Well, yes, but no. The truth is that I’m saving. I don’t exactly know what I’m saving for, but for some reason, I just feel compelled to do it. Saying that I’m saving makes me feel responsible and very much like an adult.

No one in particular: Man, I just blew my whole pay check!
Me: Oh, really? Well, I’m saving (gloats inwardly).
No one in particular: I should start doing that.
Me: Yeah, you should (gloats outwardly).

By the way, another reason I won’t go on a vacation is that everything is just too expensive now. You would think that with less people shopping and more people losing their jobs, things all around would be getting cheaper. You can’t expect consumers to consume things they can’t afford. What kind of ass backwards world is this?



Wait… what was I talking about? Oh, yes… I’m freezing my toes off, while my sister is soaking up the sun. I’m getting blown down the street by gusting winds, while my sister is enjoying a nice, tropical breeze. Yeah, I’m bitter – so what?

Love Reject

Two, maybe three years ago, a friend told me that I should check out eHarmony. I looked at her with my infamous furrowed brow expression, and blinked fifteen times to really send the "um... what?" message home. "No, not for that," she smiled at me shaking her head. “They have a great personality test. You should take it; it's free and it's a lot of fun." Well, who am I to pass up the opportunity to have a little fun (especially when it's free)?

So, on one not so special day, completely out of boredom, I went to eharmony.com to take their personality test. Let me say, I don't know what my friend was thinking - there was nothing fun about this test. It took me almost an hour to answer all of the questions, some of which, by the way, were asked multiple times (just slightly re-worded). When I was finally finished, I sat back and waited for the payoff. "Come on eHarmony; give me some insight to my inner workings." I wanted to be dazzled by their accuracy. "Man, they’re good. They hit the nail on the head! That is sooooo me!"



What came up instead, was a bunch of vague statements: You enjoy being around loved ones. "No expletive Sherlock! I told you that!" You prefer honesty. "Um... what the...?" You are kind and enjoy taking care of others. “Well… not really. I don't want to have to take care of anyone. Now you're just twisting my words damn it!"

Okay, so as you can imagine, I was a little annoyed at this point. I wasted an hour on this thing! Geez, I got more insight from the fake psychic lady who stopped me on the street and told me that I'm a kind person, but not completely happy. And she didn’t even have access to a ridiculously long survey where I answered personal questions about my life! Any who, so after a series of these vague statements, a new message came up:

Yadda, yadda, yadda, “unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

The strangest feeling came over me then - my face got extremely hot, my hands started shaking, and then I exploded at my computer, "What the hell do you mean you can't match me? Why not?" I sat back and tried to calm myself. "Maybe I should have put down that I want more kids. Who doesn't love kids? I should love them MORE. Maybe my goals were in the wrong order. Maybe I should go back and change some of my answers. Maybe I should go back and change all of my answers - then they'll be able find me a match..."

I had forgotten all about this incident until chemistry.com started airing those commercials where people said that they were rejected by eHarmony. At first, I felt a kind of camaraderie with the actors. I was not alone; other people had been rejected. Thank god! That was at first. After a little while, every time one of those “rejected commercials” would come on, my top lip would twitch and I would start mumbling under my breath, "I was rejected by eHarmony... the bastards! And I wasn't even looking for love or whatever! I just wanted to take their stupid personality test."



Unbelievable isn’t it? I mean... really… who wouldn't want to date me ;)

Right To Be

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Sorry guys, I’ve been feeling a little under the weather. Unfortunately, blogging sometimes has to take a back seat to life (shrugs). Oh well, I’m feeling a little better now, so onward with the blogging!

My sister said the most curious thing to me the other day. “You have a lot of anger,” she said. I furrowed my brow as I pondered this statement. Sure, I’ve been complaining a little lately, but so what? Honestly, living in this city; I ask you, how can I not be angry? Case in point – this morning I was almost hit by a taxi… again. Now friends, let me just say that I am a very careful crosser. I look both ways before stepping into the crosswalk, heck; I even wait to make sure that the big red hand is no longer warning me to stay put. Yes, I am a very cautious crosser.



Now, I know that taxis seem like a real convenience in the movies when all the big actors do that cool whistle thing and five of them (taxis I mean) automatically line up to be of service. Alright, so there might be a twinge of jealously there. I can’t whistle to save my life. When I try, I look like a toddler spitting up on myself – okay, I’m not actually that bad (clears throat).

Sorry, back to the story; we were talking about taxis. Here’s the thing about taxis - their drivers are insane! Sure, they have the right-of-way when making a right turn, but so do I gosh darn it. They don’t stop to think for a second that there might actually be pedestrians trying to do their pedestrian thing by crossing the damn street! Oh no, they make a sharp right turn and nearly plow right into you (and by you, I mean me). Now, I’ve done everything I can think of to show my displeasure at almost being hit. I’ve let out a sting of expletives so long and so fast that even I got lost in what I was saying. I’ve flipped the bird (always a winner). I’ve given one heck of an evil stare. I’ve even stood there with an incredulous look on my face, just to have the a-hole honk his horn at me, which of course only made other pedestrians look at me like the crazy girl standing in the middle of the street holding up traffic. So, I ask again: How the crap can I not be angry? Can I get an amen?

Yes We Can

He said, “Yes we can,” and we did! Whether or not you voted for Barack Obama, you are a part of history. As we watched this country slowly sink into its current decrepit state, we demanded change, and change has come! This is not a political blog, so I will end this post here, but when something this monumental happens, it’s hard not to speak out about it.

Calling All Americans

It’s Election Day! As such, I feel that it’s my duty as an American (although some politicians say that I’m un-American simply because of the state I live in) to remind all of you to get out and vote today. And by “all of you” I mean the few dedicated people who faithfully read my blog everyday. No need for shout outs – you know who you are (winks).

Now, I don’t care who you vote for, just as long as you go out and do it. I would never try to sway people to vote for the candidate of my choice. What kind of person would that make me? Oh, hey, did I tell you that my mama is on a cruise right now – I’m going to text her the election results tomorrow. Oh, and that reminds me… I always wanted to own (fidgets) a lama. Just thought you might want to know that (whistles innocently). By the way, at some point, I’ll have to remember to tell you guys about my crazy dreams. Want a sneak peak… okay then: I often dream that I have a pet piranha. What, too much? Lol. I’m just joking.



I promise that when I do actually try send out subliminal messages, they will be much more subtle than that ;)

Now go on – go vote!

Get A Life

So, I was talking to my sister this weekend and we’ve both come to the conclusion that we need to get out more. Lately, my days seem to follow the same boring pattern: wake up, go to work, go home, go on the internet, watch TV, go to bed. A shame isn’t it? Sure, we’re all cutting back on our expenses since the economy went to hell, but I must admit that I found myself following this destructive pattern long before my wallet started to feel the pinch.

I realize that I live in the city that never sleeps, but what exactly are these non-sleeping people doing? I need some help here people! How does one go about getting a life? Yeah, I know I could do the club scene thing, but really, it’s just not for me. About two years ago, I decided to have my birthday celebration at a nightclub [which was my first attempt to get a life]. So, I called a place.

Lady at club: You’re birthday; how exciting! Okay, so how many people are you expecting?
Me: Uh… I dunno.
Lady at club: Okay then, well, when you have an idea, call me back and I’ll let you know how many bottles you need to buy.
Me: Bottles?
Lady at club: Yes, you need to buy bottles in order to reserve tables.
Me: Bottles?
Lady at club: Yes, bottles.
Me: Bottles of what?
Lady at club: [loud sigh] Bottles of… AL-CO-HOL [annunciating each syllable carefully]!
Me: Bottles of alcohol! What the…?
Lady at club: Yes [sighs again] bottles of alcohol.

When I inquired about the cost of these [expletive] bottles, I nearly dropped the phone. So, I said to hell with that! Hence, the no club scene thing for me. One, it’s too much money. And while, yes, I could always just use my feminine wiles [blinks suggestively] to get guys to buy me drinks, honestly, that’s just too much work. Two, there are too many damn people; I hate feeling other people’s sweaty arms brushing against mine [ick]. Third, I don’t believe in paying a cover charge. Sure, you could call me cheap or a penny pincher, but I prefer the term fiscally frugal [learned that one from my sis – much love sis]. Anyway, so now that we’ve crossed clubbing off the list of things to do to get a life… um… what’s left? [Looks around panicked]