Visitors

So, I found myself in Times Square on Friday having dinner with a friend who - get this - shamelessly asked me to plug him on my blog [shakes head]! And for that reason, he will forever be known on this blog as Anonymous (queue evil laugh).

Now, there are two places in this city that I am rarely brave enough to visit: 1. Times Square 2. Herald Square (where the miracle happened, and for those who never saw the movie, I’m talking about 34th Street where Macys has its Thanksgiving Day Parade).

I stay away from these areas because of, well, to be completely honest, I stay away because of the tourists. Now, I understand that tourists are good for the city, but gosh darnit can they be annoying. So, today, friends, I would like to introduce a series I have so cleverly titled “The Many Things Tourists Should Never Do”:



1. Do not stand in the middle of the sidewalk to take pictures or stare slack-jawed at a subway map
2. When asking for directions to The World Trade Center, do not call it “Ground Zero”
3. Do not stare up at tall buildings when walking down the street and then look at me like I’m the rude one when you walk into me
4. Do not walk in a horizontal line with your ten family members down any street
5. Do not stand in front of the turnstile while deciding whether or not this is indeed the train you need to take
6. Do not stand in front of the escalator in Macys while trying to decide where you want to go (or anywhere else for that matter)
7. Do not approach the turnstile until you have your metro card in hand

Now, I promise that if you follow these seven simple, foolproof rules, you won’t have to worry about all those nasty, mean New Yorkas [shivers]. In fact, you can expect to receive a friendly smile, a point in the right direction, and an eager wave telling you, “Ya’ll come back now ya hear!”